Should have been

Sometimes life is full of should have beens.  Within the next 2 weeks we should have been a family of 5.  We should be changing diapers, losing sleep, and being a constant source of nutrition.  Instead, we are still here wondering why?  When you do everything "right" how does this keep happening.  When on a weekly basis I see drug addicted, smokers, drinkers, 14 year olds come in and have healthy babies (and sometimes two!) and here I am - never smoked a cigarette in my life let alone anything more and can't seem to get to the goal at the end - at least not easily.  It's so easy to ask God why, not so easy to wait for the answer.

Just send a few prayers our way.  That sometime this year we can finally see the goal at the end in sight or that some how show me how to be content being a family of 4.  I have a long way to go to be content and accept that if that is what God wants for us.  (and I don't want to sound rude here - but please no questions on how things are going... when I'm ready to talk - I will bring it up)

I know for those of you who haven't lost a baby it's hard to understand - it was hard for me also until it happened to us (wow - the first time was 4 years ago on the 29th and then again and again).  One way I look at it - My favorite aunt Bethy has 5 wonderful kids.  We've had 5 pregnancies, which means we have lost "our" Krista, Emily and Clay and whereas I am beyond thankful for having "our" Leah (Kaid) and Megan (Kason) there will always be a part of me that wonders what the other's would have been like.  I can't imagine their family without any of those 5 personalities, and unfortunately we will never know ours.  (until we get to Heaven that is - I guess Heaven wouldn't be perfect without babies, but I think I've given my share!!)

After losing Korbin and before Kason I had that peace that the next time around would be fine (not to say I didn't know there would be troubles along the way and I had many days where I nearly lost hope) but I still knew God was going to bring then next baby here safely.  I have that same peace now.  I really feel the next time God will prove faithful again.  (that is - IF there ever is a next time.)  I know there are many of you who are worried about us even wanting to give this a go again (and some days my hubby is even in this category).  I know it's because you love us and care about us.  You've been there to watch us go through so much heartbreak and even my life being in danger.  I have been assured by my doctor that this last time when I was in trouble it had nothing to do with the pregnancy and is not likely to happen again.  In fact - had I NOT been pregnant we may not have seen what was going on before I was in big trouble. 

Why do these things happen?  Why are we the ones who have been "picked" to go through this?  Why do some families have loved ones get cancer, why do others have dads die suddenly from a heart attack, why does another family lose their 5 year old daughter and another who is unable to be blessed with any children?  Why have we had such trouble in making the family we've always dreamed of?

So, just a little tribute to the little one who "should have been" here soon.  Please God, help me to dwell on what is and will be rather than all of the should have beens.