We are beyond blessed. We have gone through some hard times. I mean HARD times in our 9 years of marriage. But we can't help but to know how blessed we have been. Some people struggle to have a home of their own and many never do, and we have a beautiful home in the country with acres for the kids to roam. We are blessed. Some struggle to find work. And whereas our careers haven't always been the easiest or most pleasant, we both have wonderful jobs to support our family. We are blessed. We have each other. And has marriage been all "for better" and "in health" and " for richer"? Not a chance, but we've made it through many "for worse" and " for poorer" and even more "in sickness" than these two 22 and 24 year olds saying vows could have imagined. But despite the hard times, we are by each others side through it all. We are blessed. Some are unable to welcome any children in their families and we have TWO healthy, beautiful, energetic, amazing kids. We are blessed.
Sometimes, heck, oftentimes when you've had struggles that many others have not it's impossible not to let that bitterness sink in. It's hard to remember that whereas they may be blessed in areas we have struggled, they may be struggling in areas we have been blessed. I have to remember that. None of us know what the future holds.
What spiked all this? Everyone who knows us knows having babies is one area where we have struggled. This is our struggle. It's not fair. But neither is a friend who's sister just lost her fiance to a heart attack at such a young age. Neither is a couple near and dear who were never able to have children of their own. Neither is another friend who's friend's 2 year old daughter has cancer. Neither is another friend who was widowed a year and a half back and left her with 4 small children to raise on her own. Life isn't fair. Life is hard.
Our struggle
Today is Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness day.
We remember our 2nd anticipated baby. I had never had any major heartbreak in my life other than losing my grandpa years and years ago. We were so excited. We felt so blessed. We had our amazing almost 2 year old baby girl Kaidrie who was our life! Now were were going to welcome another little one. Our dreams were coming true! Until at 7 weeks, I lost the baby. We were crushed. 1/29/07
I crawled out of my devastation but still mourned the loss of "my September baby" and soon was pregnant again. Not the same naive mommy that I was the first two times. I knew life was fragile and was uneasy about it the entire time. Did I have that feeling that this wasn't going to end well either? I don't know if it was that or just the fact I was still heartbroken and knew there was that unknown. I got through the 1st trimester with flying colors, I was showing, Kaid was excited to be having a baby of her own! She pretended to have a baby in her belly also. It warmed this mommas heart. A day shy of 17 weeks our joy ended again. We delivered our baby girl, Korbin. She was perfect and healthy and beautiful and too tiny for life. We would have had our two girls to watch share secrets and clothes. Another dream crushed. The first miscarriage didn't affect Randy much. It wasn't happening in his body and I think it takes a man a while before they really grasp what is about to happen. But she was real. We saw her outline on the ultrasounds, we heard her heart beat many times, we saw my belly growing, we started to prepare her big sister for her arrival, and we held her tiny, lifeless body in our hands to say good bye. He was a comfort knowing he was mourning too. My heart was changed forever. 6/21/07
After a long and difficult pregnancy to keep our little man safe (we thank God every day for this blessing) I knew even then that I was willing to do this again to have more babies. I love being a mommy and whereas the days aren't always easy it is the most rewarding thing I've ever done. I especially love that baby stage and once they hit 2 I long to have that tiny one in my arms again. So, off we were to try for #3
A few days after Kason turned 2 I was again riding the roller coaster. I feel so robbed that I can't get excited about pregnancy like most women can. The odds aren't good. If I make it to the 2nd trimester I then face surgery, bedrest, and the fear of the past repeating itself. All worth it in the end but terrifying in the middle of the storm! We never could have imagined the turn of events with this little one. Once again in the doctors office to see what was wrong, this I had become used to. What was a shock was that I was bleeding internally. A LOT. And my life was in danger. After surgery we prayed all would be okay with our miracle baby. What a story we would have to share with him/her! You made it through mommy's tube almost bursting, two surgeries and Incompetent Cervix! But that would not be how our story ended. We found out a few weeks after surgery the baby was not growing anymore. I think at the time I didn't mourn this one as much as I had the other two. Was it because this little life had saved mine? Or perhaps because we had been through worse with Korbin or knew the joy that could come after a loss as we experienced with Kason? Or maybe because life has hardened me a little? Or because I threw myself into selling and buying a new home so I had something other than the grief to concentrate on? Probably a little of each. 8/16/10
Most likely you are reading this and have never been through anything like this. I am happy for you, I wouldn't wish this on anyone. You may be reading this thinking "if only she went through what I went through and maybe this wouldn't seem so bad" and that may be true.
But this is our struggle and it's no fun. "A person's a person no matter how small" and they were my babies. I fear the struggle will continue until we overcome the hills we must climb to finish our family. And maybe it already is finished? I just pray that if it is I do not carry with me the bitterness of it all the rest of my life. It seems that once we get over one hill there is another one behind it that is even taller. Having only one tube to work with, a sick hubby, infertility, early pregnancy loss and incompetent cervix, my loved high risk Dr being diagnosed with Parkinson's. Why can my heart not give up? Hopefully someday.
So, today and every day... remembering my angel babies and yours.
Some people dream of angels, I held one in my arms. We are blessed.
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